Bittersweet
One year.
I was in Montreal this past weekend and happened to drive past the huge white circus tents on lower campus.. Also known as McGill's convocation tents. One year ago, I convocated under that same tent and began my farewells to Montreal, and all of the incredible friends I had made during my time at McGill. Last summer was a slow progression of farewells.. I stayed in Montreal for the summer and went to one farewell party after another. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I didn't. And then, I packed my bags and left. That train ride home was probably one of the toughest I've ever endured. I wasn't just going home for the weekend, but rather about to embark on an entirely new path.. leaving behind the life I had grown to love.
This year has been.. um.. interesting to say the least. I've been working 9 to 5 and learned to deal with early mornings and commuting - neither of which I am particularly fond of. I tried to adjust to life in the quiet suburbs after having lived downtown.. trying to pull together some shred of the independent lifestyle I used to lead. Living in an area with a big observant Jewish population, I've unfortunately still felt incredibly isolated and community-less. I anticipated much of this would happen, but still felt compelled to come home for (at least) the year.
Sure, it's been great getting to spend birthdays and holidays with all of my relatives. I've loved getting to spend more than 2 weekends a semester with my Toronto crew.. but it doesn't make the change easier. I've been able to go and visit Montreal 3 times since I've left. And each time, in a way, it still feels like I'm going home. I pretend just for the weekend that I'm still an undergraduate student, hanging out with my friends, having intense conversations about nothing and everything all at once. I block out my thoughts and fears for the future and focus all of my attention on the moment, as it unfolds in front of my eyes. And sometimes, even just for a few minutes, I forget that I've left at all, and feel like nothing has changed.
I wonder if I should have stayed one more year in Montreal. Perhaps I could have pulled together some still-loose threads, solidified some friendships, had a few more heart-to-hearts. I know that I love being there, but that here is home, and each time I come and go, I am confused, happy, and sad.. overwhelmed in a sea of emotions. While in the end, I think I did make the right decision, it doesn't make leaving Montreal, and especially leaving my friends, any easier. I know that while the memories may fade, I will always look forward to trips back to Montreal. And I might cry, but I'll certainly smile.
I was in Montreal this past weekend and happened to drive past the huge white circus tents on lower campus.. Also known as McGill's convocation tents. One year ago, I convocated under that same tent and began my farewells to Montreal, and all of the incredible friends I had made during my time at McGill. Last summer was a slow progression of farewells.. I stayed in Montreal for the summer and went to one farewell party after another. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I didn't. And then, I packed my bags and left. That train ride home was probably one of the toughest I've ever endured. I wasn't just going home for the weekend, but rather about to embark on an entirely new path.. leaving behind the life I had grown to love.
This year has been.. um.. interesting to say the least. I've been working 9 to 5 and learned to deal with early mornings and commuting - neither of which I am particularly fond of. I tried to adjust to life in the quiet suburbs after having lived downtown.. trying to pull together some shred of the independent lifestyle I used to lead. Living in an area with a big observant Jewish population, I've unfortunately still felt incredibly isolated and community-less. I anticipated much of this would happen, but still felt compelled to come home for (at least) the year.
Sure, it's been great getting to spend birthdays and holidays with all of my relatives. I've loved getting to spend more than 2 weekends a semester with my Toronto crew.. but it doesn't make the change easier. I've been able to go and visit Montreal 3 times since I've left. And each time, in a way, it still feels like I'm going home. I pretend just for the weekend that I'm still an undergraduate student, hanging out with my friends, having intense conversations about nothing and everything all at once. I block out my thoughts and fears for the future and focus all of my attention on the moment, as it unfolds in front of my eyes. And sometimes, even just for a few minutes, I forget that I've left at all, and feel like nothing has changed.
I wonder if I should have stayed one more year in Montreal. Perhaps I could have pulled together some still-loose threads, solidified some friendships, had a few more heart-to-hearts. I know that I love being there, but that here is home, and each time I come and go, I am confused, happy, and sad.. overwhelmed in a sea of emotions. While in the end, I think I did make the right decision, it doesn't make leaving Montreal, and especially leaving my friends, any easier. I know that while the memories may fade, I will always look forward to trips back to Montreal. And I might cry, but I'll certainly smile.
posted by Rachel @ 10:12 p.m.
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